The Burdens We Carry For Our People, Why We Carry Them, & How To Stop
One of the clearest things I’ve seen in Family Constellation work is this:
What has been rejected by your parents
and your grandparents
will show up in your generation
and your children’s generation.
Its part of our ancestral connection. I’ve seen it time and again.
Did your mom or dad reject their sadness and grief? Are you, or your kids, depressed or always grieving?
Did they hide or bury their anger? Are you or your children unusually angry, or did you choose an angry partner? Or perhaps you can’t access your anger at all, while feeling depressed and broken?
Did they disown their need for love and intimacy? Do you hunger for love and yet cannot find it?
Family systems seek wholeness by re-creating what was disowned by previous generations. These later generations (ours and our children’s) try to bring this wholeness by acting out rejected family aspects.
Family Constellation work shows us when these patterns run our lives and how to disentangle from them, they show us that:
“It’s not our job to carry our mother’s and father’s
burdens for them; it’s theirs”
Imagine a little child, 5 or 6 years old, struggling because they’re carrying the unfinished emotional business of mom & dad, they’re just a little kid, does this feel appropriate to you? No!
It’s no more appropriate just because this little child has reached the age of 18. It’s still mom and dad’s unfinished business, not the child’s. It’s inappropriate for children to carry mom and dad’s stuff, we have to leave it with them.
And yet out of unconscious love and hidden loyalties we carry these burdens for them. I see this again and again.
Ways to love your family & free yourself
Here are some attitudes and actions that will help free you from the family burdens:
Practice speaking the truth about your family history to those who will listen with heart and non-judgment.
Safely and appropriately begin to express the family secrets, the things people weren’t supposed to talk about. Only do this with safe and appropriate people.
Remember them in your heart while consciously deciding to leave their burdens with them.
Using your imagination, mentally ask the healthiest members of your family for permission to do it differently: Your way! (I can assure you that there are healthy members in every family, even if you didn’t know them, still mentally ask). This will begin to free you up from unconscious loyalties to the wounded family patterns.
Thrive in life and remember your family as you do. Affirm that without them you would never have had this chance. As much as you can, give the glory of your successes to the generations before you, while still fully honoring yourself and all your efforts.
In your minds eye ask for your families’ blessings, if you can do this directly with certain family members, even better.
An invitation to you
Family Constellation work has taught me a LOT about the unconscious patterns many of us carry from our families. If you would like a deeper experience that supports your freedom from the family burdens, try out my next Family Constellation event.