and its probably not what you think…
We carry points of connection with our mothers, fathers, grandmothers, grandfathers & beyond. These appear as family patterns. These points of connection are based on our love for our family, they’re mostly unconscious, are very strong and influence us in hundreds of ways.
These points of connection are both positive and negative.
In the positive, they can express as you being prosperous with finances just like mom and dad, having the same sized family, going into similar professions. Positive points of connection give us strength to go into the world and be happily-successful. They are a true blessing!
In the negative they can show up as you having similar illnesses to mom and dad, addictions just like them, destructive and abusive love relationships just like them and carrying depression and rage like they do. Negative points of connection are extremely painful and can last our entire lives. Negative points of connection are difficult to break.
Here’s a surprise
Both positive and negative energetic patterns are grounded in love and sometimes in belonging. We become like them in order to belong to the family, maintain their love and ensure our place. It’s also a way for you to say; I love you, I’m like you. Again, this is a deep and unconscious expression of our love.
When we come from a mostly healthy family, the points of connection bless us and move us forward, we thrive in life. When we come from a mostly dysfunctional family they hold us back, cause us (and those around us) grievous pain. We can find ourselves unable to succeed in life and love. Our childhood hopes for our lives can lay in tatters.
(Of note: For those of you who have moved thousands of miles away from your families to free yourself, it’s not enough. Further proximity can help but it’s not enough to free you from the energetics. Also, if you’re actively resistant to your family and are resentful, you are still stuck in the family dynamics.)
Shifting the energetic bonds
Sometimes we need to shift these energetic bonds to survive. It’s as if we’re drowning and we’re carrying someone on our back, we need to let go of this other person to ensure our survival and give us both a chance.
The same can be true of our family ties. Sometimes we need to let go of the patterns, or at least readjust them to make sure we don’t drown.
This is probably the case if there’s a lot of trauma in your family
and you are unable to work through your BIG life problems
despite years of your hard-fought efforts.
We can’t simply cut the ties, it doesn’t work
The problem with simply eliminating the ties is that carrying the family patterns is a way we show our love & loyalty for our family. We do it like them.
We may desperately need to let go, but we must find an alternate way to maintain the deep, loving connection.
I think this is the most important thought of this entire email so I’m going to restate it:
if we simply sever the pattern. This is a HUGE reason why
these dysfunctional patterns reappear and persist.
We must break the pattern while maintaining
our love based connection.
Here’s the key
We have to love our families deeply in our hearts. We need to have tremendous compassion for them and their personal journeys and the trauma’s they suffered. They were little kids too, just like us and many times they did not get their own needs met, just like us. When we can consciously hold them in love and compassion we become freed up to stop unconsciously loving them and out of loyalty: doing it like them.
This compassion, forgiveness and loving attitude is not easy. This is where Family Constellation work comes in. You will not find a better tool for energetically reconciling with your family.
Note: I am not saying you have to talk to your family all the time, or move close to them or change anything about the current relationships, I am only suggesting that you hold them in love in your heart and that in doing this it will free you up to live your life and stop any repeating patterns.
Very best, Jack Blackwell