THE CODEPENDENT & THE NARCISSIST (AN UNHAPPY LOVE STORY)
Codependents can be attracted to narcissists like moths to 
. The reason is simple. Narcissist have something codependents lack – A sense of self!
But before I go further. I need to offer my definition of codependency
Me – “Codependency at its core is a wound of self betrayal. A person with Codependent patterns had to betray their authentic self in childhood to meet the needs of mom, dad & the family system.”
In other words: Codependency is a loss of THE AUTHENTIC SELF.
Codependency is also a survival strategy.
While codependents lack a sense of self, and morph into everyone else’s world, narcissists have ONLY a sense of self. Thus the attraction.
Turns out – it’s not a match made in heaven. The narcissist only cares about themself and the codependent doesn’t know who they are.
Unless both are doing personal work, this match will end in purgatory.
HEALING IS POSSIBLE
The patterns of codependency can be healed. It takes the codependent LEARNING WHO THEY ARE and then ACTING and SPEAKING this TRUTH.
What stops a codependent is TERROR.
The codependent is terrified that if they speak and act authentically they will be rejected or not loved or abused or neglected. These are the childhood fears living in an adult body.
THE HARD PART
The challenging thing about healing codependent patterns is SITTING WITH THE SENSATIONS.
When the codependents speak and act their truth – tremendously uncomfortable sensations arise in the body. These sensations can feel like life & death. (These are the built-up, SUPPRESSED emotions and sensations from childhood)
The healing of codependency is knowing one’s truth, then speaking & acting from this place – while sitting with the uncomfortable sensations that arise. (Eventually these sensations SUBSIDE, but it takes time, practice and REPETITION.)
Once a codependent patterned person discovers who they are and strengthens their sense of self, the unhealthy attractions to narcissist abates or leaves completely.
Allowing a healthier Love story to begin.
Impacts?
Please share comments, thoughts or questions below. Let’s create a conversation.
One of the key healing processes for me has been learning to love and embrace my own capacity for various personality aspects, including both codependency and narcissism. Neither of these is inherently “good” or “bad”, they are merely tools, like any other. The damage occurs when they get out of hand, run rampant unconsciously, and take over command of the entire ship! I spend many years battling the shadow side of this codependent attraction to the highly developed sense of self in another, thinking that there was something “wrong” with her, or with myself (oh believe me, I have my own expressions of narcissism!), rather than recognizing the beauty of these traits and why they developed the way that they did, in her and in me. The deepest healing for me occurred when I fell deeply in love with both the codependent and the narcissistic capacity in both of us, in ALL of us. The journey of recovery, in the form mostly of balancing and integration, is not always smooth, fast, or easy, but it is most certainly magical as it unfolds!
Jack, this totally resonates. Most of my intimate relationships have been with narcissists, if not all, to varying degrees. That would make me codependent, at least until not that long ago. A question comes up for me – is this always the case? Does a codependent always attract a narcissist? I am thinking about my relationship with my daughter. We are in a good place now, but a few years ago that was not the case. It felt like we were BOTH codependent, or at least dependent on each other emotionally. She definitely had narcissistic tendencies, perhaps a remnant from being her father’s daughter, but she did not have a strong sense of self, or maybe self-worth. Perhaps our situation was complex, with a bit of both extremes inhabiting both of us. We were sharing a living space at the time, and when I moved out, things improved a lot. They had already improved greatly, from doing personal work, which then led me to move away and find my own autonomy.
Anyway, great article! Thanks for sharing it.
Sarah
Thank you Sarah,
No. Codependents do not always attract or want narcissists. It is just a pattern I see in some. I think some times they are attracted to narcissists because either mom or dad was a narcissist and they are attracted to heal the unresolved issues.
I actually think the healthy human is a mix of narcissistic & codependent. That when these are integrated and balanced, you have equanimity between the two and this is a healthy middle.
A piece of work many with codependent patterns need to do is embrace their own inner narcissist, but this is hard, because they usually have judged/rejected a narcissistic type parent and don’t want to be like this parent….
I also think sometimes a full on codepent patterened parent will birth/create a narcissist as a child.
I have so many thoughts about all this – haha
100% resonate with the identification of the healthy balance and integration of both the potential/tendencies for codependency and narcissism in all of us. After all, these are both survival instincts that get us through challenging and overwhelming times, when our resources are not sufficient to manage to do so without activating those behavior patterns. We are all fields of potential, subject to the conditions and situations that we experience, and the degree to which we express various aspects of that potential mostly comes down what we needed to do to survive and get stronger. The ultimate key, as you mentioned, is to then recognize the patterns and integrate/balance them, lovingly honoring them as we do so.
thanks for sharing this insight. I agree that the over labeling of “narcissist” tends to occur. It makes me wonder how many people are just running these tendencies out of survival versus being true narcissists? I’ve been labeled as a narcissist, but also a codependent. so it makes sense to me that the healing of a codependent person means that the person who would be labeled as a narcissist can be healed as well. I dont speak of the pathological narcissist, just the trauma response ones. That of course means that they recognize that in themselves, sees the core wound, and desires to be healed.
Yeah, exactly Brett. We get into trouble with the labeling. A pathalogical Narcissist is a different story. Here’s a post I just created but will probably not advertise. It is a discussion amount Family Constellation facilitators about “narcissism.” It is a good convo that speaks to what you are sharing here.
https://healingfamilytrauma.com/family-constellations-and-narcissism/
I like how you frame this with the “codependent and the narcissist” vs the classic “empath & the narcissist” attraction. This view actually makes more sense to me. People on the high sensitivity or empathic scale don’t necessarily lack a sense of self though that is often an outcome from not being honored and supported in their experience, yet codependency as you describe it here seems to be a deeper pattern of self-abandonment vs. a trait/gift that is difficult to wield in the world. Codependency can be healed or re-patterned and the toxic attraction released. Thanks for your thoughts on this.
Thank you Genesa, happy to share what I have learned. Makes the childhood pain more meaningful.
I think there is a problem with the “empath & narcissist” story. In this narritive it feels to me like one is caring and the other troubled. And the “poor” empath simply then gets victimized.
I have always sensed that the wounding of the codependent and narcissist is equal, that they just responded to their childhood wounds in different ways. Their chosen survival response was different.
Thoughts?
How to inculcate identity of self???
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This is brilliant Jack, thank you! The connection between the lack of sense of self, difficulty speaking up, and the feeling of somatic terror are so spot on. I have had this epiphany this past week and have taken aligned action and feel so liberated!
Beautiful Fionna, glad to hear this.
Me too – It was a long journey. Gave me the insight to understand the pattern though.
The suppressed, primal life/death sensations in the body are a tough ride but have to be revisisted in order to heal.