Reflections on Codependency

This blog brings together a series of codependency posts I’ve written for Facebook over the years. I’ve brought them together and hope they help. They speak to the ins and outs of healing codependent patterns. If you have questions about healing codependency – reach out.

Healing Codependency – Your Body is Key

The first thing I do to support clients in healing codependency is get them into their bodies. Healing codependency takes awareness of emotions, feelings, sensations, wants, desires and needs.

Most codependents don’t know what their personal truths are, they’ve abdicated them to be in relationship with others. They have a strong tendency to morph themselves into other people’s worlds while not knowing their own.

When codependents get in touch with their inner world, they learn who they are.

In this way they begin developing their sense of self.

codependents need control

Codependents Are Scared

There is anxiety for codependents in NOT KNOWING and NOT HAVING CONTROL. This started in childhood.

Most codependent patterns are learned attempts to control situations to make sure the codependent is getting their needs met.

Situations of feeling powerless or no control are terrifying to the codependent. They’ll do almost anything to avoid these feelings. This is unconscious.

To ensure their safety in childhood, codependents learned to manage people, interactions and how they were perceived

To manage perceptions – They showed up as the the nice girl, the caretaker, the competent one, etc… They also carefully managed how they impacted others, to ensure people were always happy with them.

This is quite smart for a child’s survival, but does not serve us well in adulthood.

The codependents UNCONSCIOUS thinking is simple. If they control people, perceptions and interactions they have a better chance of getting their needs met.

To heal, these unconscious childhood survival strategies must be made conscious and shifted.

Learning skills such as: Asking to get ones needs met, vulnerably revealing themselves, while setting boundaries has codependents feeling safe. The codependent then begins to let their guard down.

Sitting With Uncomfortable Emotions

Codependents also need to learn to sit with uncomfortable emotions and sensations. They learned to avoid and suppress certain feelings when young, such as fear, anxiety and rage. They did this to maintain safety and harmony in their childhood situation.

These suppressed emotions and sensations need to be felt and integrated.

These primal fears are hard to sit with and integrate and the sensations can feel like life or death.

Through sitting with sensations and emotions the codependent starts to develop a sense of strength, knowing they can handle hard things. From this comes greater courage to tackle life’s challenges.

Codependents & Narcissists

I think codependents and narcissists make a pretty good match.

Most codependents don’t have a sense of self, most narcissists only have a sense of self.

Many times they attract one another

Codependents have a Super-Power

Codependents have the ability to shape themselves into another persons needs and into challenging situations.

They learned very early in life to give up who they were and morph themselves into what mom, dad and the family system needed. This is an intelligent and necessary childhood survival mechanism, this adaptation helped them control situations and was a strategy to get their needs met.

Codependency, necessary in childhood, causes many problems in adult relationships.

When codependents heal the wounds that caused their patterns they get a valuable gift, there’s a diamond in the heart of codependency.

The reason I’m great with clients is that I can morph myself into their worlds. I can meet clients where they’re at. Whether it’s bikers, bankers or bakers, I can meet them!

I would not have this gift without the wounds of childhood and the codependent patterns I took on.

The same is true of other codependents. Once the wound is healed they have a tremendous gift to offer people that’s desperately needed.

People need to be heard and met
exactly where they’re at

Those who have healed their codependency patterns can do this!

Codependents can also develop a strong ability to listen and attune to others’ needs. Reformed codependents can be great in partnership with their developed caring and compassion.

When thinking about codependency and codependent patterns, it helps to see the potential gifts.

Getting Support To Heal Codependency

I can help you heal patterns of codependency, because I’ve healed these wounds in myself. I’ve gone from not knowing who I was and trying to meet everyone else’s needs to knowing exactly who I am, what I want and how to get my needs met.

It was not a short process. There is not much “good” material out there that supports healing codependent patterns.

However, after years of trying various methods I’ve healed most of the wounds

  • Getting into my body
  • Speaking my truth
  • Sitting with the anxiety
  • Fighting for my own needs

were all part of the process.

I can probably help you. Reach out, let’s have a phone conversation and see if we are a good fit. You can contact me here

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